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Och nu är tiden inne. Jag sitter i mitt vardagsrum med kuken uthängd ur byxorna. Det här ska bli mitt mästerverk, min present till henne på Alla hjärtans dag. Det är ett frostigt och ganska obehagligt arbete, det att omsluta sin mandom i gips, men den värsta chocken har lagt sig. När jag stack ner den kände jag hur ollonet sved av blandningen och bättre blev det inte när jag trängde ner skaftet. På ett sätt var det å andra sidan en smula erotiskt, men samtidigt var det alldeles för kallt, grovkornigt och svårgenomträngligt för att påminnas om något sexuellt äventyr. Det är fortfarande obehagligt, nu när en halvtimme har passerat, och när jag med fingrarna känner på gipset som ligger i plastbehållaren jag vanligtvis använder till bakning är det fortfarande poröst. Det krävs alltså fortfarande lite tid och tålamod från min sida. Men tålamod har jag gott om. Den som väntar på något gott väntar aldrig för länge, tänker jag och lutar mig bakåt i soffan, med plastbägaren, gipset och kuken i båda mina händer, tv:n sprutar ut direktsänd storslalom, och jag tänker tillbaka på mig själv och henne.

Hon har alltid funnits i mitt liv, ända sedan barnsben. På dagis var hon där och hjälpte mig bygga sandslott. Vi skrattade tillsammans och sprang runt med glädje i blicken, precis sådan otvungen glädje enbart ett barn kan känna när han får göra som han vill. På lågstadiet var hon också och hon hjälpte mig med läsandet, skrivandet och räknandet. Hon var duktig, och lärde sig fortare än mig, men var aldrig sen att ge mig en hjälpande hand när jag som mest behövde det. Hon var heller aldrig sen att hjälpa mig när jag kände mig liten och osäker, som när jag började i en helt ny skola, med helt ny människor i mellanstadiet. Eller när jag började spela fotboll med andra, helt nya människor. Hon var där och höll mig handen, hjälpte mig att passa in och hitta nya kompisar. Att pröva på nya saker var inte längre än skrämmande eller farlig tanke, för jag visste att hon skulle stötta mig. Och listan kan skrivas längre, men jag ser ingen anledning till det. Mönstret fortsätter, hela tiden, hon och jag, hand i hand, mot världen.

När jag vaknade ur en slummer jag inte hade planerat hade storslalomen på tv avslutats och utanför började solen gå ner. Jag tittade ner i den gula plastbehållaren och trevade försiktigt med handen. Jag kunde inte längre gräva mig neråt i gipset, det tidigare porösa var nu stelt och hårt och oböjligt. Försiktigt lyfte jag ur paketet från skålen och la det på köksbordet. Där började det omsorgsfulla arbetet att få ut kuken ur min skulptur. Det var ett hantverk som krävde största möjliga koncentration, men jag lät det ta den tid det tog. Denna gång skulle jag lyckas. Denna gång skulle jag bli lycklig. Denna gång skulle vi bli lyckliga. När jag var klar, efter en god halvtimmes stretande, placerade jag avgjutningen med största försiktighet i en vacker snidad trälåda med karvade konturer på locket och sidorna. Det var en skör men grann skapelse som fortfarande osade av min odör, märkte jag, när jag luktade snabbt i den i hålighet min kuk tidigare hade varit. Men innan jag skickade iväg lådan med dess innehåll och tillhörande kort målade jag gipsverket svart. Det såg tufft ut, tyckte jag.

Tyvärr blev min mamma inte lika lycklig över det som jag hade hoppats. Det tar nog tid innan vi kan prata om det igen. Men nu vet hon vad jag tycker och tänker. Det är hennes drag nu.

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